Emmett, What Did You Teach My Daughter?
by JakeisNessiesBitch
Summary: Emmett makes a game out of teaching Renesmee naughty things...and pissing off Edward ALL HUMAN rated T for language
1. ZAP! YOU'RE DEAD!

**Edward Masen **

Sitting here and typing the newest patient report for work, I heard Renesmee's little footsteps in the hallway.

"Daddy!" She screeched, laughing as she jumped onto the bed and wrapped her tiny arms around my neck.

"Hey Nessie, what's going on?" I asked, kissing her soft little cheek.

"I wrote a story for school daddy, you want to read it?" She asked, her little brown eyes sparkling. I looked at the paper in my daughters hand and nodded.

"Sure, let me see what you've got." I smiled and she sat next to me. I shut my laptop closed, took off my glasses, and folded my hands onto my lap. Renesmee was so tiny compared to me and the huge bed we were sitting on.

"Once upon a time," Renesmee began, "There was a dog named Chipper. Chipper was a very good dog but he was too big to fit in the doghouse his owner Micheal made for him. Chipper was so upset with the fact that he couldn't fit into his doghouse he ran away into the billowing forest. When Michael went outside to greet Chipper, he wasn't there. Michael put up posters and fliers looking for Chipper. Michael went out into the forest to look for Chipper, and found him all by himself.

"Michael held Chipper close and hugged him. 'Why did you leave me Chipper?' Michael asked," Renesmee made a terrible impression of a man's voice and I almost laughed listening to her tiny, squeaky voice straining to impersonate that of a man's.

"Chipper laid his head on Michael's tummy making a sad whining noise. Michael understood what was wrong and pet Chipper's head. 'Chipper, I love you no matter how big you are. If you want you can stay inside with me, because I love you that much.' Chipper was so happy that he had Michael on his back and ran all the way home. The End." Renesmee smiled, flashing all of her bright, white teeth.

"Renesmee that was the best story I have ever heard." I laughed and wiped my eyes, pretending to have been crying.

"Daddy, were you crying?" She asked, putting her tiny hands on her equally tiny hips. I nodded slowly and let my lower lip jut out. "Daddy, don't cry it's just for pretend!" She laughed and tried to wrap her arms all the way around my neck.

"You know what would cheer me up?" I asked. She looked up at me, a big, beautiful smile on her face.

"What?" She asked.

"Ice cream!" I cried and pulled her onto my back as I ran into the kitchen, swerving and making noises like an airplane.

"Chocolate!" Renesmee cried when I pulled out a bowl for her. I smiled and leaned down to kiss her forehead. I smiled and looked up at the clock: 9:45. Bella would be home from her shopping trip with Alice soon.

"Here you go." I handed her one of her tiny bowls with the chocolate ice cream in it and watched her face light up. I sat down with her on my lap in the living room watching Yo GabbaGabba. My phone began to vibrate in my pocket and I tried to maneuver Renesmee so that I could get to my phone.

**Work** the caller ID read. I rolled my eyes and picked up my phone. "Dr. Masen, what's the emergency?" I asked, waiting to hear a good reason for the interruption of my father-daughter quality time.

"Dr. Masen, we have an intensive care patient whose wounds are beginning to open up and they need to be re-stitched." Dr. -I'm assuming- Hale (My brother in-law) spoke clearly and urgently.

"Damn it Jasper, I'm home alone with Nessie." I whined.

"We need you here Eddie; c'mon this guy's dying here." Jasper begged. There was only one thing left to do…call Emmett.

"Alright, I'll be there in a minute." I promised and hung up. I called the currently alone Emmett who's long time girlfriend Rosalie was out on a business trip.

"Emmett's party line!" Emmett screamed into the phone.

"Emmett I need you to come and play with Renesmee until Bella and Alice get back, I'm going to be at work all night." I rolled my eyes, ignoring Emmett's stupid line for whenever he answered his phone.

"Hey man, no problemo. Anything for my little baby girl!" Emmett yelled.

"I really hope you mean Renesmee." I shook my head.

"Well yeah, I mean, you too Eddie." He tried to cover up his stupid remark.

"Just be here… _now_." I can't believe I had to resort to leave my precious, beautiful daughter…pretty much the reason for my existence with my incompetent older brother.

"I'm in my car and on my way now." Emmett howled and hung up the phone.

"Renesmee, Uncle Emmett is coming; I want you to behave…_please_." I begged. Renesmee flashed all of her teeth in a heart-wrenching smile.

"I promise." She held up her right hand and puffed out her chest.

"That's my little girl." I smiled and lifted her up from the couch, kissing her neck and face. She giggled and kicked her legs. "You want to help daddy get ready for work?" I asked, slinging her onto my back.

"Yeah!" Renesmee cried and I ran back into my bedroom.

"Okay Renesmee, I need shoes." I ordered and set her down. She nodded and ran into the closet, coming out with my shoes on her feet, wobbling around and narrowly avoiding the nightstand. "Very good, now I need a tie…any tie you want." I smiled as I helped her take off the shoes and put them on my feet as she scurried back into my closet.

"Daddy, I brought you a red one." She smiled as she scurried back into the room with the tie in her tiny hands.

"Oh that's the one I wanted!" I laughed and she handed it to me. I was actually glad that I didn't change from work today; I only took off my shoes, tie, and coat. "Alright now I need my white doctor's coat." I smiled and Renesmee laughed, running off into my closet. I waited for her…and waited…and waited.

I couldn't even hear her laughter anymore. I heard a tiny whimper and I ran into the closet, almost busting my ass on one of Renesmee's discarded toys on the floor. Renesmee was sitting in the huge walk-in closet that Bella and I shared with her foot underneath her and tears running down her face.

"Daddy." She held her arms out and I rushed towards her, lifting her and kissing her tears away.

"What happened Renesmee, where does it hurt?" I hugged her close and she wrapped her arms around my neck.

"I fell daddy, I tripped." She sobbed quietly.

"Where does it hurt?" I repeated, pulling back to look at her.

"My knee daddy." She wiped her face and looked up at me. I let my lower lip jut out and set her on the bed. I lifted her knee and lifted her shorts and kissed her knee. It was red, but there wasn't a scratch. She was just scared.

"Are you okay?" I asked and she looked over at me, laying flat on her back. She nodded slowly, her lower lip jutted out. I kissed her forehead and lifted her shirt, blowing on her stomach.

"Daddy!" She screamed as she giggled. I finally let her breathe and she smiled.

"Let's go find my doctors coat." I smiled and Renesmee held her arms out. I lifted her from the bed and held her close as I walked into my closet. Renesmee pointed towards the overcoat and I walked towards it picking it off the hanger. "Thank you Renesmee." I kissed her cheek and she smiled a shy smile.

"Your welcome daddy." She smiled and kissed me gently on the cheek. There was a loud knock at the door and Renesmee looked at me with a sad look on her face. "Do you have to leave now?" She asked sadly. The look on her face made me almost say no, but I had to go, Renesmee would be with her favorite uncle, she would explode with happiness as soon as she saw Emmett.

I walked into the living room with Renesmee still close in my arms and opened the door. Emmett smiled a huge grin and Renesmee's face lit up when Emmett reached out for her. She opened her arms and I handed her over to him.

"Emmy!" She cried and hugged him tightly.

"Hey squirt, can I get a kiss?" Emmett asked, tapping his cheek. Renesmee smiled before kissing him sweetly on the cheek. "Aw that made my day!" Emmett cried ruffling Renesmee's curly hair, tied up in the ponytail I worked so hard on this morning.

I always woke Renesmee up and got her ready for school while Bella was busy at work. Dressing Renesmee was a hassle. We'd always end up wearing whatever I get her, even though she would love to wear my clothes to school. This morning we settled on a pair of green and blue plaid shorts and green polo. Every time I dressed Renesmee, I always marveled at how tiny her clothes were.

"Hey bro, how goes it?" Emmett smiled and hugged me for a second.

"Fine, I guess. Take good care of her Em…okay?" I pleaded with my brother as my phone rang: **Bella**. "Hello?" I answered.

"Hey babe, Alice had me stay out way too long, we're in Seattle so I think I'm just going to crash at Alice's…is that okay? I could just come home, it's just that it's closer to work and I'm _really_ tired." She felt bad, I could tell as she whimpered into the phone.

"Its fine, you have overtime tomorrow, look I'm on call and I have to get into the hospital now, but Emmett is taking care of Nessie, I'll just have him sleepover." Emmett's face lit up at the thought of pulling an all-nighter with my daughter on a Friday night.

"Okay, thank you so much sweetheart. I miss you and Renesmee so much. Give her a million kisses for me. And uh, she has a story to write did she-"

"Yes, it's amazing she read it to me." I laughed.

"Excellent. Oh, I wish I had her with me right now. Can I talk to her for a second?" Bella asked. I could tell she felt terrible about not being here.

"Bells, love, I'm going off to work now. Call on Emmett's cell; he'll let you talk to her." I sighed.

"No problem. Thanks honey, I love you." She whispered.

"Love you too Hun. See you soon." And with that, I hung up.

"Bye Emmett, be good." I warned.

"Bye Daddy, I love you." Renesmee ran towards me and I swept her into my arms, kissing her adorable little face.

"Oh, I love you too Renesmee. Be good, listen to Emmett. I'll be here in the morning." I kissed her forehead again and set her back on her feet before she ran back into Emmett's arms where he sat on the floor. I walked outside and closed the door.

**Emmett Masen**

I stared at my beautiful niece for a moment as she played with the teddy bear I brought that she left at my apartment the last time she slept over when my phone rang: **Isabella.** I only had her name as Isabella because it made her really mad.

"Emmett's party line!" I yelled into the phone, my usual greeting for everyone, even my parents.

"Emmett can I speak to my daughter please?" Bella asked, sounding tired.

"Hey kiddo, your mom wants to talk to you." I handed her my cell phone and Renesmee pressed it against her ear.

"Mommy!" She screeched into the phone. There was a series of "Yes" and "No's" and then "Daddy let me have ice cream after he read my story." Renesmee laughed a couple of times before she spoke "I love you too mommy, goodnight." She smiled and handed me my phone. "Mommy wants to talk to you." She flashed all of her teeth in a gorgeous smile.

"Emmett take care of my daughter please…._please_ Emmett I'm begging you. She means the world to me." Bella blabbed into the phone.

"Why does everyone think I can't do this?" I whined. Bella sighed and hung up the phone. I sat there for a second.

"Emmy!" Renesmee yelled suddenly

"What's up squirt?" I asked, staring into her laughter-filled eyes.

"Wanna read my story? I wrote it for school." She smiled and I melted on the inside.

"Sure thing kiddo. Bring it out." Now, you see I hate reading. However, since Renesmee has me and every other living, breathing person in Washington -and a few distant relatives in Alaska- wrapped around her little finger, I would read War and Peace for that kid. She smiled and hopped up, scrambling into her dad's bedroom and coming back out with a piece of paper. "Pass it." I smiled and she handed me her story.

"Here you go Emmy." She kissed my cheek and I could not believe how sweet Edward and Bella raised this kid. I read the story and looked over at Renesmee's beaming face.

"Uh Renesmee, this is a little…uh…" I looked at her expectant smile and though twice about what I was about to say. "Boring." I blurted out.

"Really?" Her face fell and I instantly felt bad for saying that to this four-year-old kid.

"Well, why don't I help you make it….less boring?" I proposed. Renesmee's face lit up with a shy smile.

"Okay." She giggled. I kissed her forehead.

"Well, didn't your mom say you liked magic?" I asked. Renesmee's eyes lit up at the mention of magic. "Well, let's make Michael a magician and let's make Chipper…a human! Yeah, a human. But he's…a bad magician!" Renesmee gasped and I nodded, "So, where I…bad magician that's right…well, Chipper is now…Charles. And uh, he tries to make Michael disappear but all of a sudden, Michael zaps Charles and…ZAP HE'S DEAD!" I must have scared the shit out of Renesmee because she jumped.

"Emmett." Renesmee looked at me wide-eyed.

"What?" I asked a little worried that I might have really spooked Renesmee.

"That was the best story _ever_." She smiled and I gave her a high-five.

We must have written for hours. We had at least three servings of chocolate ice cream in the big bowls. I didn't understand why Edward and Bella insisted that I always feed her in the little bowls, plates, and cups. Let the kid live a little for Pete's sake.

When we finally finished the story it was pretty much a one-paragraph story, but it was the best damn one paragraph story I have ever read.

"Emmy I am _tired_." Renesmee whined and I picked her up and brought her towards her tiny room. "NO!" She whined. I knew Renesmee, and when she was tired, she got _cranky_.

"What, what do you want?" I whined as she wriggled in my arms.

"I want to sleep with you, in your bed." Renesmee whimpered.

"Ugh, fine, but let's get you into pajamas." We made our way into Renesmee's tiny bedroom and she wobbled over towards her dresser and picked out a pair of flannel ducky pajamas. I helped her button up her long sleeve top and she pulled up her pants. "There." I smiled and Renesmee snuggled into my chest as I sat on my knees. I hugged her warm little figure close and lifted her into my arms.

I walked into the guest room and laid Renesmee down on the bed. I trudged into Edward and Bella's room and slipped on a pair of Edward's flannel pants. I found a white shirt and slipped it over my head, folding my jeans and shirt and left them in the bathroom. On my way into the guest room, I glanced at the clock. 4:54 AM. Holy shit, if Edward finds out he'll kill me.

I rushed into the bedroom and found that Renesmee was already sprawled out and sleeping, not even taking up half of the bed. I looked down at my sleeping little princess and smiled. She looked so much like her father it was almost scary. They had the same colored hair and facial expressions, from what my mother told me, every time Edward smiled it all but broke your heart, and Renesmee definitely had that heart-breaking effect on me.

I scooped her up from the bed and laid down, hugging her close to me and falling asleep fast.

**Edward Masen**

The hospital was absolutely busting at the seems with patients. I don't know how I stayed for so long, knowing my little sunshine was with Emmett for that long. I walked through the front door and almost fainted. Sprawled out on the living room floor was about six or seven huge bowls with chocolate rings around them.

Emmett better have eaten seven bowls of ice cream.

I walked into Renesmee's room; she was usually up by…what time is it? I glanced over at the kitchen oven: 5:20 PM. What the hell? Why is it so quiet? Shouldn't there be tingling laughter and Emmett's scary voice trying to find Renesmee? Or Renesmee's musical laughter ringing through the entire house as Emmett made every stupid looking face known to man?

Renesmee wasn't in her room and I officially freaked out. Could he have taken her somewhere and didn't call to tell me? No, even though Emmett had the conscious of a third grader, he knew better than to take my only daughter somewhere without even leaving a note. With all of that chocolate ice cream, they must've been up until dawn. I mentally slapped myself in the face, why did I leave Renesmee with Emmett? For all I know she probably would've done a better job babysitting _him_. I should've left her with Carlisle and Esme at their house.

There was a loud groan and a snore from the guest room and I ran in. Emmett was on his stomach, snoring like an animal, leaving no room for anything but himself.

"Emmett!" I yelled. Emmett jumped up and stared at me with wide eyes.

"What?" He asked, looking confused beyond all reason.

"Where's Renesmee?" I cried. Emmett had the nerve to look underneath him and shrugged.

"She fell asleep here with me." Emmett rubbed his eyes and I closed the distance between us and smacked the back of his head. "Ouch Edward! Chill, man we'll find her." Emmett complained, rubbing his head.

"No I won't '_chill man_' you lost my daughter!" I yelled and Emmett opened his mouth to say something Emmett looked behind me and smiled.

"Hey morning Nessie." Emmett cooed. I spun around and found nothing. I put my hands around Emmett's neck and began to strangle him.

"Don't play around with me like that Emmett!" I threatened as I shook him.

"I'm s-s-sorry, It wa-a-as just too -oh fun-ny!" Emmett laughed as I choked him. Emmett threw his weight over and flung me off the bed. I landed on my back. Ever since we were kids, it was like this. Alice would watch as Emmett and I wrestled and in high school, we used to fight like this over girls too.

"Screw you Emmett, you'd better find my kid before Bella gets home." I threatened again. Emmett sighed and got up from the bed. He held out his hand to help me up and I took it.

"Look, she's got to be here somewhere." Emmett smiled and we walked into the bathroom. "Nessie?" He whispered…nothing. We walked into the living room and lifted cushions and pillows to see if she was underneath it.

"Emmett I almost forgot to ask…what's with all of the ice cream?" I asked, annoyed.

"Uh, Nessie and I had a midnight snack." He smiled and I sighed.

"You know you're supposed to give her food in the little bowls." I sighed.

"Let the poor kid live a little. She's stuck with the two most boring parents in the world; let her have a freaking bowl of ice cream." Emmett rolled his eyes.

"We are not boring." I argued.

"Sure." Emmett walked into the kitchen and looked around. "What about your room?" Emmett suggested.

"That's right!" We ran into my bedroom and found Renesmee curled up into a little ducky-pajama ball. She was awake and held her teddy bear close.

"Daddy." Renesmee held out her arms and I melted, rushing towards the bed. I gathered her into my arms and kissed her forehead.

"What happened Nessie?" I asked, pulling back to watch her expression. Her eyes had tiny dark circles under them and her face looked paler than usual and tired.

"Emmett sounds scary when he sleeps." Renesmee giggled. I shook my head and laughed with her. I turned to see Emmett shrug and nod.

"I guess I do, huh?" Emmett smiled. Renesmee nodded and held her arms out towards Emmett. Emmett collected her into his arms and she hugged him.

"Daddy, I'm hungry." Renesmee whimpered. I nodded and rushed into the kitchen, pulling out a tiny bowl. I poured some cereal into the bowl as Emmett came into the kitchen with Renesmee on his back. She was pulling at his hair as he winced.

"Here sweetheart." I placed the bowl on the table and Emmett set her down so she could sit down at the table. Renesmee chewed on the cereal happily and she smiled at me. I smiled back at her and she looked over at Emmett who smiled as well. I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair and then over my face.

"Tired bro?" Emmett asked, clapping a hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah." I mumbled and Emmett laughed.

* * *

**Presentation Day- Edward Cullen **

Bella smiled next to me in the school's cafeteria. I held her hand and kissed her. Next to us, Emmett and his long time girlfriend Rosalie sat with Alice and Jasper, and Carlisle and Esme. Emmett pulled out his phone and laughed to himself.

Today Renesmee was going to present here magnificent story. I tried to get her to read it to Bella, but she said everyone would just have to wait until presentation day. Everyone clapped as the cute little kid who was always randomly hugging Renesmee, Jacob Black smiled, flashing all of his teeth and scrambled off the stage.

"Very good story Jacob, now here's Renesmee Masen." Everyone clapped and Emmett and Jasper howled with excitement.

Renesmee smiled a heart breaking smiled and pulled her paper out from behind her.

"Once upon a time," She began I smiled and nudged Bella, giving her a thumbs up. "In a far away land." What the hell? This wasn't the story I had heard. "There was a magician named Michael." Bella smiled and gave me a thumbs up; I smiled as best as possible knowing Emmett had something to do with it. I glanced over at him and he had his phone pulled out, video taping Renesmee's performance. "Michael was a good magician, but there was another magician named Charles who didn't like him very much…and he was a bad magician. Charles tired to take over Michael's kingdom, but Michael took out his wand and said 'ZAP YOU'RE DEAD!' And Charles died." Renesmee smiled before pulling a twig from her pocket and pointing it at the nearest student.

"ZAP YOU'RE DEAD!" Renesmee yelled and the poor little boy screamed. Children got up from their seats as Renesmee pointed the stick at every student possible screaming, "ZAP YOU'RE DEAD!" Parents ran after their children and Emmett was cracking up the whole time watching the performance.

"This was the story?" Bella asked, fuming next to me as Renesmee jumped off the stage and began to zap whoever was closest.

"MASEN!" Ms. Greenbloom screeched, staring straight at me. I sunk into the plastic chair and sighed, running my hand over my face.

I was going to kill Emmett.

* * *

**A/N: Well, hope you guys liked it, there are more wacky adventures to come!**


	2. Splish Splash MFers!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Emmett, but I'd love him as a brother, I just have two crappy ones' instead :(**

**A/N: Okay, well I know it's kind-of been a while since I've last updated anything, but I'm here now and that's all that counts. :) Whoa! (Alex) Uh, I'm working on three stories at once. One is about Jacob and Renesmee working in Cali at a summer resort for the summer and they fall in love, This one, and of course TMNM. I'm feeling like a major juggler writing all of these stories, but I know it will all be worth it in the end. I started writing some other ones, but I lost interest quickly. I'm actually starting to lose interest in TMNM, but I have about four chapters, but I'm not quite ready to release them. Well, I know you probably don't want to read this boring A/N, but I'm just trying to update y'all!**

**Read/Review/Enjoy**

**:F my fangs :)**

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**Edward Masen**

So, I ended up _not_ killing Emmett for two reasons: One, my mom was there, and I don't think she would appreciate that very much; and two, his birthday would be soon, and Rosalie would kick my ass if he missed it.

Ms. Greenbloom -Renesmee's fat, annoying teacher- gave me a whiny earful about the respect and dignity of her students and her teaching career and why it should be respected. Renesmee didn't know she was in trouble and her teacher didn't blame her for anything: it was all my fault. Renesmee was all smiles on the way home, Bella even bought her ice cream.

I should've killed Emmett when I had the chance.

When we got home, Bella put Renesmee in front of the TV and grabbed my upper arm, dragging me into the hallway.

"I'm am going to kill Emmett." Bella snapped.

"Not if I get to him first." I mumbled.

"This isn't the first time Edward, he's always messing with us." Bella sighed and put her hands on her hips. I smiled and put my hands on top of her shoulders.

"Bella, sweetheart, we all know Emmett can be a dick sometimes, but I think that if we show him it doesn't phase us, he'll stop." I smiled and pecked Bella. She shook her head before looking at me and smiling, wrapping her arms around my waist.

"You're lucky I love you, or I would've killed Emmett a _long _time ago." Bella smiled and I laughed.

* * *

"SWIMMING!" Renesmee sang the last note of her song called "Swimming" and Bella and I clapped while we sat at the red light, Renesmee sitting happily in her car seat wearing her yellow sunflower bathing suit and Alice's huge designer sunglasses. The light turned green and I sped forward.

"Edward." Bella warned. Knowing how much my fast driving bothered her, I slowed down.

"Edward." Renesmee imitated Bella's irritated voice and Bella laughed, reaching over the seat grabbing Renesmee leg. Renesmee giggled and I smiled at the musical sound of my daughter's laugh.

Everyone in the family was going to Emmett and Rosalie's house for Emmett's twenty-second birthday. They were having a barbeque and Renesmee was excited to use Emmett's enormous pool. Jasper and Alice were in the car behind us, we had decided to take separate cars just in case we had to take Renesmee home early. We were all sitting in my house, Renesmee playing with Alice's huge designer sunglasses that covered half of her face before we had all set off for Emmett's. Renesmee had taken my phone and was playing with it happily in the back seat. It rang abruptly and Renesmee flipped it open slowly.

"Edward Masen." She spoke in a deep voice, imitating me as best as possible. Bella laughed and I shook my head.

"Do I really sound like that?" I laughed Bella just nodded.

"Emmett!" Renesmee screeched. "Okay…You got it…bye, bye." Renesmee conversed with my brother and shut the phone.

"What happened Nessie?" Bella asked, holding out her hand for the phone.

"Uncle Emmett says to bring a camera." She said.

"Sometimes, I swear. He knows we already left." Bella sighed.

"Alice has her camera, don't worry about it. Carlisle and Esme will keep him in check." I smiled and put my hand on Bella's leg.

"Daddy?" Renesmee asked from the backseat.

"Yes, sweetheart?" I answered.

"How old is Uncle Emmett now?" Renesmee asked curiously from the backseat.

This was my chance to get back at Emmett, "One hundred and four." I answered, trying to sound honest.

"_A hundred and four_?" Renesmee repeated incredulously.

"Yup." I smiled, popping the "P".

"Wow." Renesmee sighed. I looked at her in the rear-view mirror. I couldn't see her eyes, or half of her face, but I could tell she believed every word of what I had said. Bella bit her lip to keep from laughing. I know how much Emmett fears old age, he never wants his self-proclaimed "good looks" to end.

"Here we are." I announced, pulling into Emmett's huge driveway.

"Yay!" Renesmee cheered from the backseat.

Bella grabbed Renesmee's baby bag and Emmett's present and I unbuckled Renesmee from the backseat.

"Daddy, I love you." She smiled and kissed my cheek.

That made my day.

"I love you too sweetheart." I smiled and kissed her forehead before lifting her out of the seat. Alice jumped up behind me and tickled Renesmee.

"Hand over the cutie, and no one gets hurt." Alice warned. I sighed and handed Renesmee over to Alice.

"Alice, I like to hold my kid once in a while." I smiled sarcastically.

"You live with her, share man, share." Alice laughed, kissing Renesmee's cheek. Renesmee smiled and hugged Alice's, wrapping her tiny arms around her neck.

"Alice, you practically live at my house." I laughed.

"Do not!" Alice yelled. Jasper grabbed Alice's waist and kissed her cheek, stealing Renesmee in the process. "Hey!" Alice yelled after Jasper who was running for Emmett's front door.

"She's mine!" Jasper laughed and Renesmee gripped Jasper around his neck as he spun and ran in circles.

"Yay Uncle Jazzy!" Renesmee laughed.

"Guess everyone owns my daughter except for me." I sighed and Alice laughed, patting my hair.

"She's a good girl. Everyone loves her, you should be happy." Alice smiled. I looked down at my sister and rolled my eyes.

"I am." I smiled. Alice linked her arm with mine and we walked up the steps into Emmett's open door. Bella was already inside, commenting on how nice Rosalie's hair looked since her last highlighting session. Alice was running after Jasper and Renesmee as soon as we got inside. Emmett was outside with Carlisle, standing over the grill and talking.

"Hey, happy birthday bro." I smiled and hugged Emmett.

"Thanks man, where's Nessie?" He smiled.

"Emmett, happy birthday." Bella smiled a fake smile and hugged Emmett. "Carlisle, you haven't aged a day." Bella smiled at my withering father and hugged him. My dad sipped his beer and clapped a hand on my shoulder.

"Thanks Bells." Carlisle smiled, "How's Charlie?"

"Oh he's fine. He went to Jacksonville to visit Phil and Renee." Bella shrugged.

"That's nice." Carlisle smiled.

"Emmett!" Renesmee shrieked as she ran outside.

"Hey squirt!" Emmett smiled and crouched to catch Renesmee in his embrace.

"Happy _one hundred and fourth _birthday Uncle Emmett!" Renesmee cheered.

"What?" Emmett's face fell.

"One hundred and four! You're old Uncle Emmett!" Renesmee smiled. "Grandpa!" Renesmee cheered and Carlisle slid Renesmee out of Emmett's limp arms.

"Hey sweetheart." Carlisle covered Renesmee's face in kisses as Emmett turned slowly to face me.

"That is just messed up." Emmett pointed a finger at me.

"Jus payback my brother." I smiled.

"Edward, Bella, Renesmee!" Esme called, waving at us. I smiled and walked over towards my mother. She hugged Bella and me before crouching and hugging Renesmee when she ran towards her.

"Grandma, I love you." Renesmee smiled.

"Aw, I love you too honey." Esme smiled, lifting Renesmee off of the floor, groaning when her back cracked.

"Renessie!" Rosalie cried from the kitchen and hugged Renesmee away from Esme.

"Thank you." Esme mouthed, holding her back. Rosalie winked and carried Renesmee into the kitchen where Alice and Rosalie sat her on the table and cooed, pinching her cheeks and asking Renesmee for kisses.

"Why don't you get in the pool, ma? It'll help your back." Emmett flipped the hamburgers on the grill and Esme nodded, taking her cover-up off. Carlisle all but tore off his shirt and jumped in. My dad may be old, but he's still a kid at heart.

"C'mon baby, jump into my arms." Carlisle winked after he came up for air.

"Carlisle, you old goon, I'll break my back." Esme countered. I swear, only old people use the phrase "Goon".

"It's okay, I'm a doctor." Carlisle winked suggestively before Esme rolled her eyes and stepped slowly into the pool. Emmett smiled and ripped off his apron before jumping in. Rosalie laughed and ran out, jumping in as well, already in her bathing suits, seconds after she heard Emmett jump in. Jasper ran out like a Wildman.

"Yippee ki aye!" He screeched before jumping in. Alice skipped outside with Renesmee on her hip.

"I wanna go in!" Renesmee laughed. Alice set her down and Renesmee ran to the edge of the pool and stopped. Emmett swam to the edge of the pool and held his arms out. Renesmee jumped into Emmett's arms. Everyone cheered when Renesmee came up for air. She clung to Emmett's neck when he turned around and he went under, bringing her with him. He dove up and down like a dolphin, making a complete idiot out of himself.

Rosalie laughed out loud and Bella jumped in, leaving me by myself. I walked over to the grill and turned it off, putting the burgers onto a plate -safety first- before taking off my shirt and kicking off my flip flops, jumping in.

"Hey Eddie, good job making sure no one got hurt with the barbeque grill." Emmett snickered sarcastically. Renesmee gave him a good whack on the head.

"Don't make fun of my daddy, I don't care if it's your birthday." Renesmee crossed her arms. Everyone laughed and Emmett rolled his eyes.

"Hey Renesmee I wanna show you something." Emmett smiled, whispering before taking Renesmee to the deep end of the pool.

I watched suspiciously as Emmett set Renesmee outside of the pool and told her something before she jumped in. It went on like this two more times before I turned and swam with Bella. We spoke endearments to each other and kissed a couple of times before Emmett cleared his throat loudly.

"Ladies, gentlemen, and Edward." Emmett smiled.

"Emmett!" Renesmee put her hands on her hips from the other end of the pool, standing out on the pavement.

"Alright, ladies and _gentlemen_," Emmett corrected, "I now present to you the amazing and talented…Renesmee Carlie Masen!" Emmett yelled and everyone clapped. "Whenever your ready." Emmett smiled and glanced mischievously at me.

"Oh shit." I muttered, "Renesmee don't-" I tried to scream, but Renesmee opened her mouth and screamed at the top of her lungs.

"SPLISH-SPLASH MOTHER FUCKERS!" Before jumping in.

_Mother fuck._

"Yay!" Emmett cheered. Esme gripped her chest and Bella looked like she was about to cry. Renesmee came up for air and smiled ear-to-ear. She swam up to me and held on tightly.

"Wasn't that good daddy, Emmett taught me that." Renesmee smiled.

_That was it. _

"No, Renesmee. That was very bad." I scolded. Renesmee's face fell. I pulled her out of the pool with me and set her on her feet. I got on one knee and stared at her. "Renesmee, that is a very, _very_ bad word. Don't you _ever_ say that again." I pointed at her and her eyes watered up.

"But, Uncle Emmett-" Renesmee started.

"Uncle Emmett did a very bad thing by teaching you that word." I interrupted. Renesmee threw herself at me and began to cry.

"I'm sorry daddy!" She cried. Hot tears ran down Renesmee's face and she sobbed her little heart out.

"Happy now, Emmett?" I yelled. Renesmee gripped around my neck and cried louder. I stood up, picking up Renesmee. Emmett sighed and got out of the pool.

"Renesmee, I'm sorry I got you in trouble." Emmett looked at Renesmee over my shoulder. Renesmee stopped crying for a minute and lifted her head and looked up at Emmett. "It's all my fault." Emmett sighed and Renesmee crossed her arms.

"Yeah, it is." She pouted Emmett laughed and held his arms out.

"Forgive me?" Emmett smiled.

"Yes. It's your birthday. Of course I forgive you." Renesmee smiled and hopped into Emmett's arms. Emmett hugged Renesmee close before whispering.

"Hold your breath." Quickly before tossing Renesmee into the pool. She landed into the water with a loud splash.

"Emmett!" I yelled and he snickered.. Renesmee swam up for air and laughed, gasping. Rosalie swam up and held her up and Renesmee gripped tightly onto her.

"Happy birthday to Emmett!" Renesmee laughed and Emmett did a cannon ball into the pool.

_Yeah Emmett, happy mother fucking birthday._

* * *

**A/N: So yeah, the ending is kind-of blunt isnt it? Welp, DEAL WITH IT! LQTM, jk. **

**REVIEW HOES! **

**(Jk about the "HOES" thing too xD)**


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